


The Stench

by BenSoloHands



Category: Reylo - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bread, Craigs List, F/M, Farts, This is crack, a little smut, kroger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29031465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenSoloHands/pseuds/BenSoloHands
Summary: This is based off of a real Craig’s list ad I saw on Twitter. Rey farts in the bread aisle and Ben puts out a Craig’s list as to find her.Twitter: @bensolohands
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 23
Kudos: 63





	The Stench

“Fuck I hate coming to the grocery store!” Ben thought as he wandered around the bread aisle. “I should have just ordered online and done the Kroger pick up option.” He continued to mumble to himself while he waited on some housewife with 3 screaming kids to get out of the way so he could look at the Ciabatta bread. Finally they got out of the damn way so he could grab a couple of different brands to compare the calories and shit. He liked to work out and look good as hell so he didn’t want to get a bunch of fattening shit.

Suddenly a stench of epic proportions hit his nose and he almost passed out. He looked to his left and saw a gorgeous brunette standing near him looking down at the hamburger buns. He could tell by the worried look on her face that she was trying to hide something. This beautiful woman just cut the cheese and from the smell of it he wouldn’t have been surprised if she had shit her fucking pants. He knew he shouldn’t ask but damn it he wanted to talk to this stinking beauty next to him.

“Was that you?” He asked, leaning down towards her. She looked up at him like she was trying to send him straight to hell with her stare. 

“No it wasn’t me!!!!” She replied looking back down like she was trying to keep herself from punching his fucking face. The smell kept lingering and Ben thought he really could use a goddamn gas mask. He started waving both loafs of the ciabatta around in between himself and the pissed off love of his life. Finally she flipped him off and stormed off to the next aisle over never looking back. 

“Damn it, I shouldn’t have said a fucking word, now I don’t know how I will ever see my smelly princess again!” He mumbled to himself as he threw the bread into his cart and made his way to the register. 

  
  
  


“I’m telling you Poe, she was the girl of my dreams and I blew it by asking her if she farted on me! Now I will never see her again!” Ben said as he walked into his condo with his phone to his ear and grocery bags in hand. Ben thought he heard Poe giggle on the other end.

“I have a great idea Solo, put an ad on craigslist and try to find her! Just describe what happened and maybe you will get lucky.” Poe replied.

“Are you out of your mind! She will be pissed as hell if I did that!” Ben said, putting his bags on his table.

“Nobody will ever know that's how you met! Except for me of course and I won't tell a soul!” Poe replied while trying not to laugh. Ben thought about it for a second, as long as he didn’t put his actual name on the ad then maybe he could pull this off. 

“You know what Poe, fuck it I will give it a try!” He said as he pulled out his laptop and began typing the ad. 

  
  


“I’m telling you Finn, he was the man of my dreams! Until he opened his big stupid mouth to ask if I almost shat on him in the middle of the bread isle!” Rey said as she walked into her house with her phone to her ear and her grocery bags in her arms. 

“Sounds like he is kind of an asshole Rey.” Finn replied. “Was it actually you that almost killed him with your foul stench?” He asked, trying to keep it together.

“Yes for fucks sake it was me! I had just eaten 4 bean burritos and 6 soft tacos from Taco Bell so what do you expect?” She replied with a loud huff. “As a matter of fact, I need to go Finn, I think I need to shit up a storm!” She said. She heard Finn laughing as she hung up the phone running to the toilet. 

  
  


The next day Rey logged onto Craig’s list to post a couch she had for sale. She pulled up the local ads and her jaw almost hit the fucking floor at what she saw:

  
  


**You farted in Kroger yesterday**

**You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied, “No it wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted that I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving two loafs of ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry matter. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a clydesdale, I’d love to meet up. Please text me at 435-555-6969.**

  
  


Rey couldn’t believe this shit. She picked up her phone and dialed Finn. 

“Finn! The guy I almost killed yesterday with my gas put an ad on craigslist looking for me! I guess he still wants to tap this ass!” She said as soon as Finn answered. 

“Oh shit Rey! Text him! He owes you a good dicking down after that bullshit he pulled yesterday! You don’t fucking ask a lady if she basically shit her fucking pants!” Finn replied, trying not to laugh.

“You know what. I think I will! She said as she programmed the tall pretty asshole’s number into her phone.

Ben was looking up fart porn on his laptop when his phone lit up to show a text from a number he didn’t recognize. He unlocked his phone, opened the text and almost died.

**Hello, my name is Rey, I’m the one who you pissed off in the bread aisle yesterday.**

“Oh fuck oh fuck!’ Ben yelled as he dialed Poe. “Poe! She texted me! My beautiful gas queen responded to my ad!” Ben yelled in Poe’s ear.

“Well fucking text her back you dumb bitch! Why the hell are you calling me!? And don’t fuck it up this time! I gotta go, I have a date with a guy named Finn!” Poe replied.

“I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it Poe!” Ben yelled as Poe hung up on him. 

**Um Hi….my name is Ben. I’m glad you found my ad.**

**Rey: I see that you think I’m beautiful but that I’m also a lying Clydesdale.**

**Ben: I said you fart like one, not that you are one and yes your gorgeous. Stomach feeling better today?**

“Oh fuck why did I just ask that?” Ben bitched at himself.

**“** OMG, This guy is a real charmer.” Rey said out loud. 

**Rey: yes Ben and if you must know I ate an assload of Taco Bell before I went into Kroger :(**

**Ben: Sorry to hear that Rey, Perhaps I can buy you some gas-x so you will have some on hand for your next Taco Bell trip.**

**Rey: Ben, you really are a winner when it comes to flirting…..but yes gas-x would be nice.**

**Ben: Wanna meet up for dinner tonight? I promise I will take you somewhere that doesn't cause instant diarrhea.**

Rey had to think about this for a second, sure this guy was hot but he was dumb as a fucking post when it came to charming the ladies. What the hell, she will do it. Maybe he makes up for his dumbness in other areas. 

**Rey: Alright Ben, where and when?**

  
  
  


Rey pulled up to the new restaurant in town called, “Plain grilled chicken”. Ben really meant he didn’t want to smell anymore of her rancid gas by suggesting somewhere with the plainest food in town. As soon as Rey saw Ben get out of his brand new porshe with that pretty black hair blowing in the wind, she knew this would be worth it. 

“Hello Rey, you look perfect.” Ben said as he walked up to her. 

“So do you Ben.” She replied, giving him a wink. 

“So you didn’t eat any beans today did you?” Ben asked, looking serious as taxes. 

“No you jackass I did not!” Rey replied, rolling her eyes at him as he took her hand and led her into the restaurant. They sat down and Rey ordered the plainest chicken they had, but Ben ordered an Alfredo dish that was oozing fucking grease. Rey was surprised they served that here. They talked about everything and nothing and Rey was surprised that he didn’t say anything else fucking stupid during the whole dinner. 

“Rey, would you like to go back to my place for some Netflix and chill? Ben asked, winking at her and making a kissy face. 

“In other words, leaving the tv on in the background while we fuck?” Rey replied as Ben choked on his last bite of grease. Ben smiled, nodded at Rey, and waved around at the waiter begging for the check.

  
  


They didn’t even make it to the fucking couch. Rey slammed him against the wall and kissed the shit out of him. She jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to his bedroom. Clothes went flying everywhere and soon Ben was ass naked on top of Rey grinding into her. 

“Let me get a condom.” Ben breathed into her ear.

“IUD! Let’s do this!” Rey yelled rolling on top of him and swallowing his dick with her waiting cunt. 

“Oh fuck! That’s it Rey! Suffocate my dick with that tight wet pussy!” Ben moaned as she rode him until she was dripping sweat. As soon as Ben came Rey got a whiff of something rotten. She looked down at Ben to see a worried look on his face as he grabbed his stomach.

“Was that you?” Rey asked looking at him with revenge in her eyes. 

“No it wasn’t me!...... It must have been a ghost!” Ben replied stupidly just as Rey heard his stomach rubble. She rolled off of him and waved around 2 pillows trying not to die from the smell. Ben jumped up grabbing his ass and ran to the toilet like he was on fire. Rey heard Ben moaning with abdominal pain as she crawled under the covers. 

45 minutes later Ben finally came out of the bathroom looking defeated. He crawled under the sheets with Rey and she gave him a knowing look raising her eyebrows. 

“So, was it a ghost that almost killed me with that greasy Alfredo stench Ben?” Rey asked, looking smug. 

“Wasn’t me.” Ben looked up at the ceiling trying to lie.

“You're so full of shit Ben!” Rey replied, kissing his cheek. Ben knew he had been caught. 

“Well…..not anymore.” He replied grinning at Rey. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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